Monday, April 12, 2010

A complete soc to the gut....

As many of you know, I was married for the first time at the age of 37 this past November. My husband and I have known each other since we were in middle school and we reconnected on Facebook about a year and a half ago. The entire time we dated, he lived in California and I lived in Washington, but saw one another almost every weekend. Where am I go with this? We are getting a divorce!! He has hidden from me a very serious alcohol problem. His work has been rather slow, so he's been "working" from home and earning minimum wage for quite awhile now and I've been footing the bill for both our current mortgage and what the rent doesn't cover on our rental unit (my former condo). I've been footing the bill for the renovations on our current condo and all the other bills. Imagine my surprise to find that he has been heading to the bars at night while I've been going to bed at a reasonable hour to get up and go to work the next day! We live within walking distance of several bars and he apparently frequents them all....often, as in pretty much every night Sunday-Thursday! He claims he has no problems except me! I've started counseling, but he refuses to go, he thinks he doesn't need it. I've already started separating our money and belongings and I am going this week to file divorce papers. Ugh! This is not how I saw my life working out, but he is refusing to get any help and refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. He told me that if I didn't lightened up let him have his fun, he'd divorce me. Well, I guess I'm going to beat him to the punch. Any advice? Thanks!

13 comments:

Little Miss Moneybags said...

Oh my! I'm so sorry to hear this.

I hope you take care of yourself and consider seeing a therapist, if you can. Such betrayals are very difficult to deal with alone.

Best of luck to you. You're in my thoughts.

Kasey at Thrifty Little Blog said...

Wow, I'm so sorry you have to go through this! It sounds to me like you're making a strong and smart decision with the situation you are in. I've always believed in the three A's of divorce: addiction, abuse, and adultery. Hopefully serving him with papers will snap him out of this and force him to make smarter choices with his life. If he doesn't decide to work on his issues; you're probably better off.

I wonder, could an annulment apply to this situation?

change is a good thing said...

Thank you both for your kind words Kasey...Washington doesn't recognize annulments unfortunately. Thankfully I am really on top of things and I have great records documenting his behavior and his spending habits on the credit card. I'll keep you posted. Thanks!

Sense said...

Oh my goodness! Good for you for saying right up front what you can and can't handle, and following through on your word. He doesn't deserve you, in many, many ways. I'm so sorry he turned out this way...that is really tough and honestly, how well can you really know a person if they hide things from you?!

Mary said...

Hi,
First time on your blog, sorry to hear of your troubles!

I admire you for sticking to your beliefs, though. My sister stayed married to a cheating, abusive loser for 18 years and I'm sure she wishes she could go back and get that time back again.

Hang in there, girl! God doesn't give you more than you can handle - just remember that!

Canadian Saver said...

Oh I'm really sorry to hear this... big hugs to you to get through this {{{hugs}}}

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ls0lto3l said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Live Simply- Live Well said...

I am so sorry this happened. I cannot even begin to imagine what this is like. my hope and prayer is that you will be able to get this resolved quickly. i am so sorry.

Grace. said...

A complete bummer!

I guess I do hope that the prospect of a divorce would encourage him to seek help. But I also know that he has to do that for himself, not for you or the marriage--easier to talk about than to actually do.

Well, you still have the condo and you don't have children with him--two good things in the event of a divorce.

Take care, and I'll hope for the best for you.

Moneyapolis said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear this. It must have been a complete SHOCK -- I know it was to me reading your blog!

If he's not willing to go with you to therapy and then start AA, he's not leaving you much of a choice. I've known some couples who can work through betrayals like this (including my sister-in-law, whose husband pretended to go to "work" every day for a year after he was laid off). But if your husband's not willing to admit he has a problem and get help, you can't force him. You can only decide what you're willing and not willing to put up with and then act accordingly, which it sounds like you're doing. Good luck and HUGS!

The Brick Cottage said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! I hope that everything works out for the best for you!

Sharon said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! Divorce is never pleasant, that's for sure. But you are smart to take action immediately. Perhaps counseling will help, but you need to protect yourself. Sending hugs your way...